Still alive and trying to remember how to walk
Moving throws you off your routine like no other. The steady rhythm of early morning meditation/writing, preschool, and housework is radically convoluted. After a week of camping out in my cousin’s basement while our housing crisis was sorted out, moving in, combating smoke smells and bugs and trying to educate my preschooler… I haven’t written anything substantial since our move, nor have I worked out at all (climbing the three flights of stairs to our apartment barely counts). I’m worried about my kids adjusting, about my husband’s emotional state as his days of unemployment continue to stretch out, about keeping my home clean.
It seems like my creative brain has hibernated while my analytical mind seeks answers to my situations. And where I had a nearby gym and a safe neighborhood in California, I have no money for a gym and no faith in my scary neighborhood here in Arizona. Last night, I determined that I would run a 5k route this morning, only to be wakened by the sound of a rainstorm at 4AM.
My one surprising success has been in homeschooling. Oddly, the one thing I was sure I would never have the patience to do has become the one thing that I feel absolutely confident about in all this chaos. My children amaze me. Jonathan recited his own version of King Balak, Baalam and the Talking Donkey to me today, and it was shocking that this child (who has been diagnosed with learning delays in memory and cognition) remembered the important part of the story, that it is important to listen and obey God, no matter what. At dinner tonight, Hannah recited Psalm 100 in her sweet lisp, complete with hand motions.
It is good for me to be reading the Old Testament during this transition. I get irritated with the Israelites when “they begin to grumble again”, and it reminds me that I am on a desert journey myself. Each day is going to have new challenges and new success, but God is my leader and I have no reason to complain. It’s honestly a spiritual battle sometimes to keep my mind positive. Often I fail and allow myself to wallow in self-pity. However, that’s when God prompts my children to do something extra sweet, or even nudges some extra money in our account (true!), reminding me that this journey refines each of us in this family, not just me.
He didn’t bring us out this far to take us back again.
He brought us out to take us to the promised land.
Though there be giants in the land, we will not be afraid.
He brought us out to take us to the promised land!