A Funny for Your Monday


I’m just settling back into home after a wonderfully exhausting vacation. Since I have no inspiration for my own words, I figured I’d fall back on the humor of my uncles, who sent this collection of hilarious “kids say” moments.

Enjoy!

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
‘How do you know that the cat was dead?’ she asked her pupil.
‘Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,’ answered the child innocently.
‘You did WHAT?’ the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
‘You know,’ explained the boy, ‘I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move’

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘ I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
‘The big sissy.’

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?’ The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on
microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.’
‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’

7. A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….’
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, ‘What are you doing?’
The little boy answered, ‘I’m doing my maths homework, Mum.’
‘And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?’ the mother asked
‘Yes,’ he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, ‘What are you teaching my son in maths?’
The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition.’
The mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, ‘What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.’

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!’ The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that
farmer said?’ One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane Sugarbrown.’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’

10. A little girl asked her mother, ‘Can I go outside and play with the boys?’ Her mother replied, ‘No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.’ The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, ‘If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?’

 

And after 11 hours in the car with my husband and 3 kids, I’ve got this song stuck in my head. But I prefer watching the Backyardigans sing it (sorry Rihanna).  =)

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About daniellaindie

I'm Anthony’s wife, and mother to Jonathan, Hannah, Joshua, and Isabella. When not making PBJs and cleaning, I like to write, immerse myself in a good book, play my piano, or plan epic couponing trips.

Posted on November 22, 2010, in Funny, Mothering, Parenting, Pregnancy and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Hehehehe…these were hilarious. Number 4 is my favorite. 🙂

    And I’m happy you’re home safe, and I’m happy I got to see you for a whole week, and I’m happy that we all got to see Harry Potter together!

    Thanks for the visit :-).

  2. I’m equally happy that I got to spend a week with you and your magnificent family and our adventurous evening out to see Harry Potter… although, I think we’re starting to get too old for those sorts of late-night shenanigans!

    It’s your turn to come visit me next!! 🙂

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