Category Archives: Parenting
I could make this really dramatic, but these details are boring. Basically, I’m no longer employed. So for the first time, I am “just” a stay-at-home mom. I’ve always worked part-time, or been in school full-time since our kids were born. I went to work when Jonathan was 6 weeks old.
Of course, there is the stark terror of losing 1/4 of our income. I’m not sure how the math is going to work out next month. And I keep having this compulsion to check my email (nope, nothing interesting) and I keep having the feeling that there’s SOMETHING ELSE I should be doing. I didn’t realize how much mental stress I was under while working from home. I actually cleaned the floors yesterday. All of them. And today, someone got jelly on the tile…so I was actually able to steam the floors AGAIN. I don’t think I’ve ever cleaned the floors two days in a row!
I’m spending lots of quality time with Josh and Izzy this week. Playing on the (super clean!) floor with them, reading to them, playing outside in the garden (although my lizard-hunting skills are really rusty). I have time to make dinner, make lunches, prep breakfast. I did ALL the laundry yesterday. And I’m almost done putting it ALL away. The last time I did that was…never.
I have TIME to coupon. I have TIME to blog. I have TIME to garden. I may even…gasp! have time to finish my book!
Oh the adventures! The drama!
I’m REALLY missing my big kids, though. With one car and their school 40 minutes away, they are gone as long as Anthony. Now that I can focus on my kids, I want them HERE with me….
Expect more from me in the future. I have time to explore my dreams. And I think it’s worth the trade off.
(This is taken from a website I’ve just joined, myautismteam.com. I processed so much while answering these questions, that I had to post it here.)
Q: Tell us your autism story.
While completing my degree, then-three-year-old Jonathan and one-year-old Hannah went to the university preschool. That was when we first heard that Jonathan might be autistic. His teacher had a specialist evaluate him (IN the room with 30 other kids running around). Needless to say, he didn’t do well on that test, and the specialist (who was quite insensitive to us) said he was likely autistic. We got a second opinion at a smaller preschool, where they evaluated him in a quiet room with just the teachers. He did much better then, and was labeled developmentally delayed with some social and speech issues (mainly lack of eye-contact and echolailia – repeating/parroting words/sounds, and non-conversational language).
We immediately enrolled in an early intervention program that we attended twice a week with him. He made great strides and by the time he was 5, was bright, energetic, and loved learning. He has an amazing ability to hear something once and be able to remember it. We moved to a new state and I homeschooled him. It was a fun year, teaching him how to read, exploring his favorite subjects (marine biology, history, space), and spending lots of time with him. I did have a hard time with his handwriting…no matter how much we worked on it, it seemed like every day I would have to re-teach him how to write letters. I suspected then that he might be dyslexic, because he was constantly flipping letters.
For kindergarten/pre-first, we enrolled him in a Montessori school. He loves school and his teachers, but his teachers again noticed things that were “off” about Jonathan. He was brilliant, but had no patience. He made lots of friends, but didn’t know how to talk with them. He talked AT everyone, had a hard time sitting still and listening, and had an incredibly short fuse. He was easily frustrated and would get angry very quickly. We noticed a lot of the behavioral stuff at home. He would go from being in a great mood to throwing toys across the room and growling. He would be sitting, playing quietly to suddenly yelling and screaming at apparently nothing. We discussed these concerns with his teacher in his first evaluation (Fall 2011), and she asked our permission to have him tested. We finally had a meeting in April of 2012 with the school’s special education resource person, a child psychologist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, his teacher, and the principal. They were WONDERFUL! Each had done a detailed evaluation of Jonathan and they all seemed to really GET our boy. Through their in-depth testing and discussing all the results, we agreed with their diagnosis that Jonathan has Asperger’s syndrome or high-functioning autism.
We are now in the process of researching therapies, diets, medications, etc. to help Jonathan succeed as he goes into first grade. I also strongly suspect that our two-year-old son, Joshua, is also on the autism spectrum, perhaps even to a greater extent than Jonathan.
Q: Most days I find myself…
Q:When did you know your child was on the Spectrum?
Q:What therapies (if any) work best for your child?
Q: What do you wish you knew then, that you know now?
Jonathan has blue eyes.
Jonathan has curly hair.
Jonathan is tall.
Jonathan is autistic.
Also, I wish I was more confident in myself as a parent instead of instantly blaming myself. Jonathan’s autism isn’t my fault. It isn’t because of something I did or didn’t do.
Q: What are your biggest challenges or difficulties?
Q: What would you share with parents new to autism?
The autism label has helped us understand some of Jonathan’s behaviors. Things that we used to think were discipline issues (chewing on his shirts, making annoying repetitious sounds/movements), we have realized are clues that he needs sensory stimulation and it’s time for him to go spin, jump, lay down for the couch sandwich, or eat. Autism has given us a different lens to view our son through. It’s not a scary thing, it’s just new. But the great thing is, there are SO many other people who have pioneered the way. Parents new to autism NOW don’t have to go blazing trails, we just have to start looking around and asking for directions.
Wow. I really, really needed to read this post last week. Mothering is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t enjoy every single second of it. But that’s real life!
If you haven’t figured it out by now, I had a Christian Fundamentalist upbringing. And I’m not complaining about it. I think my parents did a great job of sheltering us as young children, and then letting us figure out life for ourselves as we got older. So there’s some things that my parents did that I’m doing differently and some things that I’m holding on to pretty strongly. One of those things is not participating in Halloween.
I’ve never been trick or treating. Two years ago I went to my very first ever dress-up Halloween party, but that was mostly because it was also a housewarming party for friends who’d just moved. I was a farmer, 1-week-old Josh was a pea-in-the-pod, and Anthony was Twitter.
Growing up in Santa Cruz (hippie/wicca/occult central), the line was pretty distinct between light and dark around this time of year. We actually had neighbors who would hang black cats (real ones) from trees, dance around huge Samhain bonfires, summon spirits and all the rest. It was scary, and our family wanted no part of it.
As a kid, it made sense to me that we not participate in the dark holiday, and most of the families that we grew up with were of the same mind, so there wasn’t much peer pressure or feeling like we were missing out on something significant. We’d spend the evening handing out little comic books that my mom and her illustrator friend, Katie, made that had messages of hope and light. When we moved out of town and into the country, it was a night when our parents let us watch a bunch of movies and eat candy (a BIG deal, we almost NEVER got candy!).
Now an adult, those memories have stayed with me, and we have never celebrated Halloween since we’ve been married. It wasn’t too big of a deal for us until last year, when my cousin-in-law actually sat us down and told us he thought we were being crazy for keeping our kids away from this fun family tradition. And now Jonathan is in school, and all the kids are talking about trick or treating, costumes, and candy. Plus, it seems like, away from Santa Cruz, Halloween is more like any other over-commercialized holiday: a chance for WalMart to make a ton of money off costumes and candy. So I totally get why other Christians families don’t have a problem with the season, and I’m certainly not judging any one else’s decision.
Here’s some helpful links and alternative ideas (thanks Facebook friends for some of these!) with more history and info.
– Have kids dress up during another holiday (like pilgrims for Thanksgiving). We usually did a “live nativity” at Christmas while a grownup read Luke 2:1-20.
– Attend or help with a church harvest party, carnival, or “trunk-or-treat” (where church members decorate their cars and pass out candy in the parking lot). I remember doing harvest parties a few times as a kid. When Jeffty was a baby, he was Moses in a basket, I was Miriam, and Christopher was Aaron.
– Celebrate All Saints Day by dressing up as a Saint. GREAT idea to pair with a history lesson!
– A history of Halloween and it’s traditions, including the Jack-O-Lantern and Trick-or-Treating (not a Christian source… has a scary graphic at the top of the page, FYI)
– A great blog post by James Watkins called “Should Christians celebrate Halloween?” (LOVE his conclusion with 1 Corinthians 8:4-13, about how if it doesn’t stumble your walk with God, do it! If it is a stumbling block to you, don’t do it!)
So what will YOU be doing 10/31?
My little brother (#2 of 3) posted this video on the gender wage gap “myth” on my Facebook yesterday, and it inspired my impromptu blog/rant/soapbox lecture which I will share with you below. I realize that most of my blog is NOT feminist or political, but I obviously feel very strongly about this and I’d LOVE to hear your thoughts about the subject. So watch the video, read my commentary, and please add your own!
Personally, I think it’s a HUGE problem that girls are not encouraged towards the STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math). I remember hearing “don’t worry if you don’t understand math; girls usually don’t.” Yes, I struggled with math and had a HUGE learning curve, but once I got it (in college), I got really good grades and actually enjoyed my classes. It’s not a field I wanted to CONTINUE studying (especially after taking Physics, where my professor basically dismissed all my requests for help), but I wonder if I would have caught on sooner if I hadn’t been told over and over that girls aren’t good at math. But if the fields that make the most money are not fields that girls are encouraged to study and be a part of, don’t you see THAT as being a big problem?
Secondly, our society is just not set up for women to easily continue working in their careers after having children. Child care is obscenely expensive, workplaces are often not flexible with parents taking time off to care for their newborns, sick children, etc. Even breastfeeding laws that protect a woman’s right to take more frequent breaks to pump or nurse are not well enforced (work places are supposed to provide a private place for this to happen and bathrooms do NOT count… but most women are only given a bathroom as the private place. Would YOU prepare food for your child in a bathroom?). Because of factors like this, WHAT CHOICE DO MOTHERS REALLY HAVE? We have to choose careers that allow the flexibility that mothering requires, and sadly, those careers don’t pay as much as other “choices.” I’ve personally worked exclusively part-time jobs since becoming a mother because I couldn’t find full-time employment that allowed me to also mother my young children.
Finally, I do appreciate his conclusion that to overcome some of these issues, we have to change the gender perceptions that woman JUST take care of children and men JUST earn money. There has to be a more even division of the household responsibilities and the wage-earning responsibilities. Growing up, we were SO BLESSED to have a dad who made enough money for mom to stay home with us (although she worked part-time when it was just 3 of us), and that was common among the families that we grew up with, but it is ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE in this generation for a mother to not work. And what about women who don’t find their sole definition in mothering? It isn’t wrong for a woman to be both a mother and a career woman. The Proverbs 31 woman is shown doing WAY more working than mothering her children… and she’s the ideal that Christian moms are held up to!
OK, one more point. *IF* stay-at-home-mothering is such a value to the family/society etc., than why is it not something that mothers are compensated for? I just calculated my salary from this website http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcenter.html and, as a work-from-home-mother, my uncompensated work is worth about $63k a year! What’s yours?