Sometimes I wonder if I’m slightly manic/depressive, or maybe I have ADD. Or maybe I’m just discontent, always searching for something new and different. And I don’t understand why I am this way.
Two days ago, I was so blissfully happy in my job as stay-at-home-mother, homeschooler and domestic goddess. I got up and cleaned, fed the kids, stayed cheerful during school time (which is a big deal when teaching a distracted 4-year-old and 2-year-old who wants to do school but isn’t really ready yet), and did a bit of work for my cousin. During nap time, I snuggled with Joshua, drowning in the blissful smell of precious baby boy… a baby boy who loves me and smiles at me like I mean the entire world to him.
I was so happy that this is my calling and life… I sang “O Come Let Us Adore Him” to Joshua (sacrilegious? perhaps. but I do SO adore him!) and reveled in my domestic tranquility. Proudly, I maintained the cleanliness of the home until Anthony came home. The day was a success!
Then yesterday, a few phone calls sent me off my rocker a bit, and as I went into my “rescue mode”, I began to think about working, and how much we fall short of our monthly budget, and how I could help close that gap and all of that horrible, nasty financial stuff that never ceases to drag me down into the depths of despair. If only I could work, then we wouldn’t struggle with money (such a lie, I know, but I was thinking it). So then the rest of my day, I had a hard time concentrating on the kids, or completing my chores, because in my head are all these thoughts of how what I’m doing isn’t as important as it could be, because I could be out making money, and instead, I’m here with these kids and these dirty dishes and this endless laundry, and how am I having any sort of effect on the family?
Sadly, my effect yesterday was huge. The kids’ attitudes slowly deteriorated as I emotionally neglected them. Of course I cared for their physical needs, but I was not present as a mother. Finally, as they napped, I told myself to get a grip and snap out of it. I AM doing the most important job. If I were to work, SOMEONE ELSE would be adoring Joshua, fixing Hannah’s ponytails,or teaching Jonathan to read. I don’t want anyone else to do my job! Yes, it is really hard to wait for the finances to come in line, but we’re not destitute, we’re just waiting for paychecks to catch up with the hours Anthony has put in. By next month, we’re going to be just fine. THIS week is hard, but who’s to say next week won’t improve?
I’m just frustrated with myself that I cannot maintain my contentment, but always have to vacillate between this need to provide (which is totally Anthony’s job right now), and my CALLING of mothering our children.
I don’t have the answer yet. Do you? How do you remain content with your calling and station in life?