Monthly Archives: March 2006

The Irony and the Agony

Current mood: tired
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Needy kids cried out for help, and we wanted to answer.

We sold everything and left on a hope and a prayer for a country unknown

Rejected. Dejected. Returned.

Set out again, tentatively, not wanting to face failiure here

Maybe there it is easier to handle.

Joy sparking between us. New life created

Home is the only place to be

Returned to childhood. Under the family roof. Again, but seperate.

And alone… so very alone. Tricked? Betrayed? Tested?

Poor. Beyond poor. Indebted to everything and everyone.

So working is the answer now. Working hard to sustain life in the young.

Working hard to just survive.

But Survival isn’t enough.

Can we Thrive?

So abandoning my hearts cry to stay home and nurture

Leaving behind the only calling I’ve ever been damn sure of…

I Work

And my heart breaks for the innocence and lost nearness

Soft chubby hugs and drooly kisses

Exchanged for coffee and stress and a paycheck



Oh God, You are awesome
Most Holy One, worthy to be praised
It is You Who breaks down walls
and sets a perimeter of Angels around Your chosen children
You Who are mighty in battle and
awesome in power and swift to save
Glory! Majesty! Holy! Strong!
To the King!

Lord God, from my lips You have ordered praise. My soul is commanded to praise you. My body surrendered to worship You. Pour into my soul, oh God. Seal up the cracks in my spirit. Strengthen my resolve to follow hard after You, to set my face like flint and fulfill the destiny You have in store for me.
(First Thursday night youth group. Amazing!)

The boy is sleeping…

… and instead of doing something productive like cleaning or cooking, I will (I WILL) sit here and write because writing makes me feel better. You know what else would make me feel better? If my mouth would unnumb itself. I got three fillings this morning at 9:20 and its 11:30 and I keep biting my tongue and the inside of my cheek and NOT feeling anything. Its weird.

I went to heart to heart last night instead of the P86 show. I am so freaking old. Actually no, its not that I’m old. I’m breastfeeding (yeah I said breast in a word on someone report me) and I didn’t want to take Jonathan to the show and have his precious eardrums blasted to oblivion before his first drum set. After he learns the instrument, he’s free to do what he wants with his hearing. I just don’t want to be the one to destroy it for him. Plus, I have the distinct honor of having seen Project when they came to a tiny town called Templeton in the Summer of ’99 when they weren’t very popular at all to play a show at (of all places) the Vineyard. Yep. And Jeffty and Topher didn’t come with me. I think they were rocking out to G.T and the Halo Express in their Superman underwear in their (white)(padded) bedroom.

But I digress.

I’m not sure what I digressed from, as I don’t actually think I had a point… wait a minute…

Oh yes! Being unproductive!

Jonathan ate carrots for the first time the other day (after he distroyed a cupcake at Kaeleb’s birthday party that Anthony tried to feed him). It was hilarious. The child shook his head so violently from side to side (“Nooooo mommy noooo!”) that he got dizzy and started doing the vibrating Henry eyes (anyone remember that?). Meanwhile, Anthony and I were making fools of ourselves trying to show Jonathan how WONDERFUL mashed up organic carrots from a glass jar can be! I kept telling Ant “Try some, show him how good it its!” and he was like, “You try it, I already had a salad today, and I’ve heard that you can poisen yourself with too many vegitables”. Boy its great to be a parent.


Sick and tired of selfish living
Nauseated by church fakers
Passionate to be different
Realizing I’m just the same

God, ignite Your fire in me
Burn away my selfish verneer
Teach me to be transparent
Show me how and what and where

Unclinch my hands from my plans
I throw on You my dreams
No more games, no more pretending
All of me surrendered to the flames.

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